The Bears and the Bees
by BastetCG
Summary: A Crackfic brought to you by BastetCG and Dodomedic. While spending the day at the zoo, Dean and Cas are sent on a holy quest to find the missing moose. Rated T for implied moose intercourse.


The Titanic knew that the ice burg was bad news. But what could she say, the huge hunk of ice was just that…a hunk. And she had a thing for bad boys. The way he sparkled in the moonlight, like a vampire, was just so alluring, she couldn't steer herself away. They entered their last passionate embrace, groaning and screaming at the feeling of ice on iron. This was how it was supposed to be; it was destined. And The Titanic swore in that moment they were infinite. The star-crossed lovers crashed and began to sink further and further into the throws of their ecstasy.

"Women and children first!" the ship hissed from her smoke stack. As he left, leaving her in pieces, she sighed and let go. "My heart will go on," she whispered.

* * *

_The majestic moose is native to the Canadian woodlands. Solitary creatures by nature, we can see this specimen wandering through the picturesque underbrush and conifers. What's this? It appears that the moose has gotten his antlers stuck in the dense thicket of trees. He doesn't appear to have noticed yet._

* * *

Castiel was extremely excited to be going on a trip with Dean. Or at least as excited as an angel can be. Sam had disappeared the other night, and Dean, who was secretly relieved that he didn't have to watch over his brother for a while, suggested they visit the local zoo. They'd decided to have a picnic as well, out on the large lawn at the center of the animal park. Cas was busy at work packing the basket full of various types of pie. Dean liked pie. Also there was beer. Cas knew that Dean's main diet consisted of double bacon cheeseburgers, pie, and beer. Cas was very satisfied with his work. 'Now Dean will love me,' he thought to himself.

"You ready to go?" Dean called from his bed.

"Yes, I believe so."

* * *

_The moose finally seems to have realized his predicament. It attempts to free itself with thrashing and braying. Listen to those whines. Never before has such audio been captured on flim. Let's observe._

"concerned moose noises"

_The moose, in obvious pain, has his antlers stuck._

* * *

Once at the zoo, Dean and Cas sat upon the blanket Dean brought. Almost immediately after the basket opened, a hungry flock of birds gathered around the couple.

"Shit, I should have known this would happen," Dean grumbled.

"Please Dean, there is no need to be rude to my winged brethren," came Cas's cool reply. The angel threw a piece of pie crust at the flock.

"Cas, what are you doing?" Dean couldn't believe what his friend had just done. The flock of birds thrashed and clawed at itself just for a crumb of pie crust. Cas watched in confusion. Once the crust had been devoured, the birds returned to Cas, squawking aggressively. Dean scooted away, beer in hand, as the birds over-ran his angel friend, pecking and tearing in an attempt to get the rest of the pie.

"Dean, Dean, please help. Dean."

"God damn it Cas, this beer isn't even cold."

* * *

"Concerned moose noises"

_As the commotion caused by the moose reaches an unsafe level, the pride of the Rockies arrive, the Canadian mounted police. They have come to free our friend the moose. Let's watch as they work their Canadian magic._

"Sorry about this Mr. Moose," one Mountie said as he hopped off his horse. Sam began to panic some more as he realized the Mounties were going to pour maple syrup on him.

"More concerned moose noises"

"Look at that, eh? He's excited to get free!" another Mountie commented. The moose was now sticky and no closer from getting his antlers free.

"I don't understand. Maple syrup cures every ailment. Why is it failing now?"

"Maybe it just needs some more time since this is such a serious case."

"Eh, that makes sense. Don't worry little buddy," the Mountie said to Sam, "We'll be back later."

_And with that, the Canadian Mounted Police have saved the day once again. God bless Canada! But as the Mounties ride off into the sunset, it appears that our stuck and sticky moose has attracted another visitor: a fertile female moose, single and ready to mingle._

* * *

After the bird debacle, Dean decided it was best to start looking at the animals. The closest thing was the reptile house according to the map. It was cool and dark inside, which was a nice change for the unusually warm spring air outside. And for a while the whole thing was peaceful, perhaps even enjoyable.

'I could get used to this,' thought Dean. Cas looked completely serene as he watched the iguanas. His face only lit up by the light from the glass cage, he turned to Dean.

"God's creatures certainly are strange," he said calmly.

"You're telling me," was all Dean could say in return.

They moved on to the snake exhibit, and Cas was suddenly very confused.

"Dean. Dean."

"What, Cas?"

"These animals…they have no arms or legs."

"Yes? And?"

"They are just a head and a tail." The confusion in Cas's eyes might have been amusing if he weren't so serious.

"Yeah, but that's how they are. That's how 'God created them,' right?"

Then Cas just turned to him and said in complete seriousness, "But if they have no hands, how did they offer Eve the apple?"

* * *

"Extremely concerned moose noises"

_This new female moose seems to be interested in our stuck friend. Let's observe as she approaches him from behind._

"Distressed moose noises"

_This practice is highly common in female mooses looking for mate. Now let's watch as she sniffs his rear in attempt to gauge his readiness. Oh my, it seems that this female is named Becky if the name shaved into her haunch fur is any indication._

* * *

"Wait a moment," Cas muttered.

"What is is now?"

"We already saw the snakes. Why are there more in the bug exhibit?"

"Those are worms, Cas."

"Oh. I see." There was a pause as the angel stared at the slow moving worms a while longer. "Yes you are right. These animals are completely different. They don't even have heads."

Dean shook his head questioning why they'd decided on this outing for the seventh time. He just carted Cas away and towards the back of the exhibit. But a large tall glass container in the center of the room caught his friend's eye.

"Bees."

"Cas, no."

"Dean, the bees."

"Cas. No," Dean said more forcefully.

"Look at the beauty," and Cas was gone. He stood in complete awe of the swarming mass of honeycomb in front of him. He just stared mumbling the word "bees" over and over again.

"Oh God, not this again."

* * *

_The female moose Becky has left. Why? We can only guess. Perhaps she found this moose unsuitable for mating purposes. Maybe she wants to evaluate other options. Or maybe, just maybe, she's gone in search of food for her trapped lover._

"Angry moose noises"

_But it seems that the scent of the delicious Canadian brand maple syrup has attracted a rather large bear. Let us watch and see how our helpless moose friend reacts._

"Scared moose noises"

_The bear sniffs the mooseses's fur tentatively, and oh my! begins to lick the mooses' haunches. That is the power of Canadian brand maple syrup._

* * *

"What's that fish called?" Cas asked. Dean sighed and read the name off the placard Cas had conveniently missed. After the Bee incident, Dean had to escort his friend from the insect exhibit, lest his friend "let his people go" and release the countless stinging insects upon the unsuspecting populace.

"What about this one?"

"Angel fish." Cas's head whipped to face Dean's.

"That can't be right," he said.

"Why not?"

"It looks nothing like an angel. That is not what I look like."

"Well then it was misnamed, Cas. I don't know what to tell you." Cas sighed and nodded in understanding. He probably just accepted it as just another one of those things humans screwed up.

"What about this one?"

"Jewfish."

"Dean." Cas almost looked indignant.

"What?"

"Dean, that is highly offensive."

"Oh look, I found Dick," Dean said, deciding that misdirection was best for now.

"Dick Roman?" Cas was suddenly on his toes, looking around the darkened room suspiciously. "I thought we killed him."

"No, look, this fish is called a Slippery Dick," Dean said with a smile.

"Oh, yes. I looks just like him," Cas agreed.

* * *

_The bear has had its fill of syrup and left, but it appears that some tourists have stumbled upon our stuck moose. They are now taking pictures to commemorate this unforgettable experience. The poor moose however is frightened and is pawing the ground in a display of aggression. He is probably hoping to scare off the tourists with his actions. It doesn't seem to be working; the tourists are American._

* * *

"Help."

"Cas, what's the matter?"

"Dean, help me please."

"What the hell?" Cas had managed to get surrounded by ten very hungry goats, all braying and jockeying for Cas's hands. Some were nibbling on the angel's trenchcoat. "This is why I didn't want to do the petting zoo," Dean sighed angrily. He began pushing the stupid goats out of the way, finally reached Cas, and threw the rest of the food pellets at the remaining crowd of animals.

"But Dean, they need food."

"They get fed all day. They're fine."

"They need love and attention."

"They get that all day too."

"I want to pet the chickens."

"We're leaving."

* * *

_In our absence, a strange man with an accent and an American flag kilt has capitalized on this poor animal's struggle._

"Step up! Only a soul per picture!" said Crowley. The line of patrons moved slowly forward as picture after picture snapped.

"Disgruntled moose noises"

"Oh Sam, you silly thing; it's business and it's booming!" Crowley responded.

"Questioning moose noises"

"Well isn't it obvious? Canadian souls went up, but then depreciated almost as soon as I got here. Too apologetic apparently. American souls are back on top, and I figured there were enough idiots here to fill my pockets for a while. They're so much more willing when they're tourists."

"Angry moose noises"

_The crowd is scattering. Oh joy! The Canadian mounted police have returned! They approach the ticket master._

"Sir, we are extremely sorry, but we're going to have to ask you to leave the premises. This is protected land and you do not have a permit. Again, completely sorry."

_It seems as though the strange man in the kilt has simply vanished, leaving the Mounties to comfort their sticky stuck moose once more before riding away, leaving the poor animal alone once more._

* * *

The air conditioned gift shop was a welcome change from the pressing heat outside. Dean and Cas were taking a break from it all, planning on hitting the rest of the park after they cooled down. And after the petting zoo attack, Dean was just glad Cas was okay, or at least, as okay as Cas could be. But now he was acting strange again. Cas stood staring at a chocolate bar for a good five minutes before Dean finally said something.

"Cas, what's wrong?"

"Why did they put tigers in the chocolate?"

"What?"

"The chocolate has tigers on it. Why, Dean? Why did they put tigers in the chocolate? That doesn't even sound appetizing."

"What on earth are you talking about?" Dean snatched the bar out of Cas's hands and examined it for himself. It seemed normal enough. Just some tigers laying on a rock on the wrapping with the zoo's name in gold foil.

"The poor animals," Cas mourned.

"No, Cas, it's okay. There aren't any tigers in the chocolate. It's just advertising."

"What?"

"Never mind, let's just go. We still have a bunch of exhibits to see."

"But I want a t-shirt."

* * *

_Fascinating! It appears that Becky the female moose has returned with some other female moose friends! We just might be able to witness the rare event of moose harem mating._

"Extremely distressed moose noises"

_It seems that our moose friend is excited about his prospects. Only Moose of a high caliber can mate with so many other meese. Unfortunately, he is still covered in maple syrup and stuck between the trees._

* * *

"What is the next exhibit on the map?"

"Well, it looks like…the moose."

"Are you sure?" Cas asked gruffly.

"That's what the map says," Dean replied.

"I don't see it."

"The moose?"

"Yes."

"Yes you do see it or yes you don't see it?"

"I don't see the moose," Cas replied, as patient as ever with his human.

"Neither do I," sighed Dean.

"We must find it."

"Cas, it's probably just inside because of the heat or something."

"No, it is missing. We must find it. It is an order from God."

"What?"

"Come Dean, God has given us a holy quest." Cas grabbed his friend's arm and before Dean could protest, they were gone.

* * *

"Excited moose noises"

_Two strange men have just appeared, frightening the moose in its vulnerable state. They have also frightened off Becky and her crew of willing female meesess._

"Cas, where the hell are we?"

"Canada."

"A little more specific?"

"Look Dean, it's the moose."

"confused moose noises"

"We can take it back with us to the zoo"

"Panicked moose noises"

"Why is this thing all sticky?" Dean asked.

"Maple syrup," replied Cas without missing a beat. Dean didn't have any chance to question it before he moose began frantically huffing at Cas. "It says that it's Sam."

"What? You speak moose now?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Dean. I've always spoken moose."

"And it says it's Sam? Like our Sam?"

"Yes." Cas began petting the moosess' head and felt something strange. He pulled on the odd band on the top of the mooses's's head and shockingly managed to pull off his antlers.

_What a strange turn of events! We can only sit and watch as the moose, now free, reacts to having his antlers taken by these strange men._

"Oh thank Jesus! That was possibly the worst experience of my life. Wait, don't touch the headband!" Sam said. "It's a cursed object."

"What?" Dean said as he took the head band from Cas. Sam rushed away from the two trees that had kept him immobile for the last twelve hours. Dean began to put the antlers on his head. Sam tried to stop him, but it was too late. Sam sighed at the obvious outcome, but when he opened his eyes, it was just Dean wearing an antler headband. "Sam, you're crazy you know that?"

"Yes, I highly doubt anyone would go through the trouble of cursing such a strange object," Castiel agreed. Dean laughed and took off the headband before putting it back on Sam. Sam cringed.

_The moosesss antlers have returned! Now that he is a true moose again, his harem is ready to come out of hiding._

"What happened to Sam?" Dean questioned, looking around. "Where the hell did all these moose come from?"

"I do not have an answer for either of those questions; however, this is a perfect turn of events. Look Dean, the moose has a mate." And before the moose could make any more distressed moose noises, Cas had whisked everyone away, back to the zoo. "See? Now the moose has a friend. Becky the moose. They will be together forever."

"Defeated moose noises"

"What a cute couple," Dean rolled his eyes. "Come on, let's go look at the gorillas."

_Our moose friend has finally found a home. Here he will be provided for to into his old age. Meesses mate for life, so having his Becky there must be a comfort as he gets used to his new home. This has been Nature Watch, signing off. Next week we'll be examining the secret lives of Bees with a special guest speaker and bee whisperer, Jimmy Novak._

* * *

Stay tuned for Moose Lake, a tasteful adaptation of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake by Bastetcg and Dodomedic


End file.
